BOL! So true…
On a Crap Self
I think we’ve been slowly making amends. It’s the “unspoken fight” I guess. We both know it happened, but we don’t talk about it. It’s still a bit awkward, but I think we’ve both “unspokenly” forgiven each other.
No words, just understanding.
I still don’t think I can handle all of the pressures that bear down on me on a day to day basis.
If someone only knew- I mean, REALLY knew- what I had to face/battle in my everyday life….
I have to be strong for my parents….
My siblings….
My grandparents….
My friends….
But I feel weary.
I don’t feel as indestructible on the inside as I seem to be on the outside.
Everyday saws on my last nerve.
And it shows when I go to work.
People see I am having breakdowns.
My health is worsening.
Even with dad’s new job, I don’t have health insurance (not like I would go to the doctor’s).
I have more frequent blood sugar lows.
I’m still gaining weight.
I hurt most days…. I can’t sleep most nights….
I feel like I am slowly losing my mind.
I keep forgetting things.
I wonder if I am bipolar…
Or have anxiety….
Or have a minor form of depression.
It’s horrible thing to lose one’s mind…… when the body is going to the dumps with it.
On a Crap Brother
One day he’s gonna get mad and punch me.
Bud and I had a screaming fight.
I’m so pissed and hurt (emotionally).
I think I’m gonna go for a drive to cool down.
If I don’t return, I love you all.
.::EDIT::.
And the sad thing is: he’s more popular than me.
People will think he was in the right… and I in the wrong.
What would happen if his anger got really out of control?
Would he hit me? Would he hurt my dog?
Would he hurt the parents?
He has knives and guns.
He has his freakin’ man muscles.
He could do some serious harm to all of us.
What would people say if they saw that I had a bruise?
What would they think?
How can I forgive him, when I know he is wrong, but his mind is so demented and screwed up that he thinks he is right.
I do know I was wrong in HOW to handle the situation…
But I couldn’t stand it.
He is disrespectful when all I have been to him and his company was respectful.
It made me embarrassed in front of Emily.
If it’s one thing that I’ve learned in the past 2/3 years, it is that I hate being humiliated. I’ve been publicly humiliated so much, it is awful.
What can I do? I just spent the last hour/hour and a half driving around and praying at the church.
I can’t take it anymore.
If I can’t save my own family, what good is it all?
I can’t do work, school, church, and home pressures anymore.
I have to give up something to calm this storm that’s brewing.
I need a job.
I need a church.
I need my family.
…
After my A.A., that may be all that I can do….
On Another Year
So, I’ve decided that instead of transferring out, I am going to go ahead and get my A.A. in Foreign Languages at Butler. That means I will have to go ahead and be there for one more year, but it will get me a degree to go into WSU (if I get in) with.
I will have to take 2 more Spanish classes and one more language class.
I think I’ll try German. :)
I’ll need to take a history course.
I will also need some electives. I have thought about creative writing, intro to poetry, literature, speech (another, I took public speaking), art..
Still trying to decide.
I feel like getting a little A.A. degree has taken/will take me for forever to get. But another year or so and I shall have something to make all of this time feel (somewhat) worthwhile.
On “Tooting My Own Horn”
Okay. I’m sorry. BUT.
If you are going to sign a song in from of hundreds of people, get the right signs. What you said for DEVIL was really “air quotes.” Your ZION is not “zion”; I don’t know WHAT that was.
I know that I am still learning and I make mistakes when signing….
But with ALL of the resources at that church, you would think the sign/MIME team would get over their snooty selves and get help from the DEAF ministry. Sign language is not supposed to be made into something pretty. It is a language used to communicate. And if you are so concerned with making that word sound/look pretty that you change it to make the word mean something else, that’s not communicating.
Okay. Example:
Many people get upset when people from other countries come to America and don’t learn English.
I get upset when people try to move in onto deaf culture and butcher sign language because they think that it needs improvement for beauty’s sake. No.
Sign language is fine the way it is and should not be transformed into a dance. Yes, there is a certain amount of pantomime that sign language does have. I’m fine with that.
But creating your own signs to fit your glory-performance?
I find it a little distasteful.
So, not to toot my own horn, but…
I feel as though leaving that church and working on my sign language by myself has made me 1) learn new things 2) understand deaf culture better and 3) become a better interpreter.
On Being a Hologram
I’m watching an episode of Star Trek :Voyager…. and it is the episode that the Doctor meets his creator who he is modeled after. The creator’s holograms, though they were his most precious pieces of work, didn’t live up to par; they were a mess and were discontinued. The doctor holograms were turned into, for lack of better terms, “trash men” to clean up waste. Voyager’s doctor, though, proves that he is different. The creator looks at the hologram: “Do you know how humiliating it is, to have 675 Mark Ones out there, scrubbing plasma conduits… all with my face? ”
My heart sank.
You know, that’s like God. He created us in His image. We were His precious ones.. until sin entered our lives. We don’t meet up to the standards and we are “downgraded.” The Creator looks at His creations: “Do you know how humiliating it is, to have more than 6 billion people, ignoring me- who are living in My image?”
But we all don’t have to live by scrubbing plasma conduits. We can go beyond our “established parameters.” We can make our Creator say that it is nice to know that one of His creations were still doing what He designed us to do.
I know that comparing religion to Star Trek seems silly, but it is funny how somethings hit you funny.
From Star Trek: Voyager “Life Line”
